


Erestor Fartypants!

by Glorfindel



Category: Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, Farts, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-29
Updated: 2011-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-18 19:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/192480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glorfindel/pseuds/Glorfindel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erestor is being mean and suddenly finds that he cannot stop doing the most outrageously smelly farts.</p><p>Is it a punishment for being so horrid to everyone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erestor Fartypants!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the elves or their surroundings. The elves made me write this even though they belong to Tolkien; they are very naughty making me do this! I make no profit and have no intention of making any.

 

 

 

 

Erestor was in a filthy mood and being awful to Kaydyy, the deputy head librarian. “I thought I told you to get those books sorted. Why haven’t you done it?”

 

“You only asked me a minute ago. I was helping Lord Elrond with his map enquiry.” Kaydyy sighed. Why couldn’t Erestor be nice instead of a nasty nitpicking git of an elf?  she wondered.

 

“Oh yes! You always have an excuse, don’t you? Why can’t you do your job properly?” Erestor stormed off muttering about the inferior quality of librarians after ordering Kaydyy to start sorting straight away.

 

Kaydyy took the pile of books to the shelves and began putting them away. Just as she finished, at home time, Erestor trundled a huge cart of books to the end of the shelves. “Before you go, you can put those away.”

 

“But it is home time and today is my grand nana’s birthday. This will take hours to do.” Kaydyy pleaded, wondering why Erestor was being more obnoxious than usual.

 

“You had better start then hadn’t you?” Erestor smirked and walked out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kaydyy arrived home two hours late. Her family looked stony faced at her and her ada demanded an explanation. “It is Erestor; he is awful. He gave me more books to put away at home time. It is not fair. Every time I complain, he tells me that I do not have to work there.”

 

Grand Nana put her hand on Kaydyy’s arm. “I have a potion that will humble him. There is still enough food left for you, dear, and we have not cut the cake yet, so no harm done.” She paused for a moment as if considering. “Yes, he certainly needs bringing down a peg or two.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning Erestor rose from his bed and scowled at the mirror. After a quick bath and donning fresh clothing, he walked to the library.

 

“Kaydyy, did you put all those books away?” He asked loudly. Kaydyy nodded. “Good. You are allowed exactly twenty minutes to get our breakfasts; now run along.”

 

Kaydyy and Erestor always ate breakfast in the library’s side room. Everything she did was timed on a huge watch that Erestor kept in his breast pocket. He would lose his temper if she went over the time he set for her, even by a couple of seconds. Today she was not too concerned, but to allay suspicion she tried to be quick. After collecting two breakfast trays, she put them on a side table in the corridor and poured some clear fluid into the teapot on Erestor’s tray. She picked them up and walked back to the library. Erestor stood with his watch.

 

“You made it with two seconds to spare.” He sat down and took his breakfast tray. “You have ten minutes to eat your breakfast. I would start…now!”

 

Kaydyy ate her breakfast as fast as she could and then she took her tray back to the dinner hall, again with Erestor timing her.

 

Erestor drank all the tea in the pot at a much more leisurely pace than he had allowed his deputy head librarian. Kaydyy  had no idea what the contents of the vial were, but trusted her grand nana that it would not be something that made Erestor ill or killed him.

 

Part of the morning was devoted to rehearsing Thranduil’s reception for when he visited the following week.  Erestor’s insides were bubbling, but he was not going to let a strange feeling in his belly stop him from doing his duty.  “Close the library Kaydyy and meet me in the hall. You have two minutes.”

 

Kaydyy closed the library and noticed a rather horrid rotten-egg smell in the corridor. She hurried to the hall and stood beside Erestor.

 

The smell was stronger the closer she stood to him. “Did you notice the horrid smell out in the corridor, Erestor?” she whispered.

 

“I cannot smell anything and you were two seconds late. You will stay after home time to make up for lost time. Imladris is not a charity.” Erestor glared at Kaydyy and then looked to the front again.

 

Glorfindel smirked and tittered and then bent double with laughter. “Erestor, lighten up. Why can you not be nice to people?” He leaned sideways to Kaydyy. “Erestor stinks.”

 

Erestor heard Glorfindel. “How dare you,” he said to the blond warrior. Then, to his utter mortification, he let out a fart so spectacularly huge that the backs of his leggings were blown away and a foul green gas emanated in wormy tendrils from his bottom.

 

“Do not worry Kaydyy; I will save you from the incredibly smelly and leaky bummed Erestor.” Glorfindel held her in his arms and ran to the open window with her, where they inhaled huge lungfuls of fresh air.

 

Elves began screaming and running around the room, trying to find the exit or a window from which they could breathe some fresh air. Elrond put his handkerchief over his nose and walked up to Erestor. “You little bastard, you will do anything to show me up won’t you? Now go and get your arse sorted out.”

 

“Lord Elrond, I do not know what happened. It was not my fault.” In the background, Erestor could hear Glorfindel howling with laughter.

 

“Go and see the healers you disgusting little turd of an elf.” Elrond was so angry that his face went bright red and he looked like a squished raspberry. The green gas reached him and he ran over to the window choking. “What you laughing for Glorfindel? You look like a simpering idiot.”

 

“I am laughing with happiness, my Lord. Kaydyy has agreed to accompany me to tea this afternoon haven’t you?” He looked at Kaydyy with a, ‘say yes’ expression and so she did.

 

Elrond looked at Kaydyy. “You must be bloody mad.” He then looked at Glorfindel. “What do you think is up with Erestor’s arse?”

 

“I think it is his filthy temper, my Lord. He must keep himself on such a tight rein that he never lets anything out. He times Kaydyy’s every move with a pocket watch and for every second she is late with something he makes her stay behind ten minutes at home time.” Glorfindel looked at Kaydyy. “I heard him yesterday when he made you stay behind and I asked him why. He seemed proud of the fact that he could do that.”

 

“He did what?” Elrond was livid with rage. “I am removing him from his duties and Thranduil can have him as an advisor. He can go home with him. After that, you can be head librarian, Kaydyy. I must say though you have lasted longer than any of your predecessors.”

 

Erestor was in the healing rooms. The healer was lying unconscious on the floor having got a face full of miasmic wind. He felt so unhappy. Periodically, he would be lifted bodily from the bed as another blast of fart gas exploded out of his bottom.

 

Elrond stormed into the healing rooms. “Erestor, it bloody stinks in here, you dirty little devil. I am relieving you of your duties and you are going to go to Mirkwood as one of Thranduil’s advisors. You can stink his court out, not mine.”

 

“I don’t know what happened, my Lord,” Erestor was miserable and he felt picked on. He released another huge rasp of sound and the gas cloud spread throughout the room.

 

Elrond saw the unconscious healer and picked him up. “Is there no end to your nastiness, Erestor?” he asked angrily.

 

Erestor walked back to his room, his face red, bearing the giggles and taunts of the elves who watched him. It was all so unfair and he felt so miserable. He had no official position anymore and hoped that he would not fart all the way to Mirkwood.

 

The farts remained for the next week. The smell seeped into the adjoining bedrooms and, in the end, Elrond gave Erestor a small tent and told him to go and live in a nearby field and not to come back until he had stopped making horrid smells. The tent was small and only had room for a sleeping bag. Five times he needed replacement ones when an errant fart had blown the tent and bedding away and set it on fire. He was not even allowed a book from the library, in case he infested it with the green gas from his bottom. Meals were left at a collection point the other side of the field and were often cold by the time they reached him. For three days, he sat feeling sorry for himself and, in the end, he reflected that he now knew how the people he picked on felt. It did not cause him to think that he should have treated them better though. He was at his very lowest and wondering if being immortal was worth it when it occurred to him that he had not farted for at least an hour. The realisation set him free. For the next few hours he did not fart, so he packed up the tent and walked back to the house.

 

After airing his rooms, Erestor went to see Elrond and told him that he has stopped farting and was going back to his room. On the way back, he walked past the library and saw elflings painting, stories being told and armchairs filled with elves reading books. Everyone seemed to be far happier than when he had been in charge. Then he saw Kaydyy laughing, with Glorfindel’s arm around her waist. She looked so happy and he thought that when he worked there she never appeared so. For a fleeting moment, he felt guilty and wondered if she would ever forgive him. All of his obnoxious behaviour had been for a reason.

 

When he went back to his rooms, he noticed a pile of his favourite books on his table. They were there before but he had not noticed them. A note was tucked inside the top one.

 

 _“I thought you might like something to read, whilst you recover. Kaydyy x”_

 

How kind. He would never have done the same for her. He picked the first book up and began to read.

 

Thranduil’s visit came and Erestor travelled back with the King’s party. Glorfindel was courting Kaydyy and so he did not feel so bad about how he had treated her. She was happy and that was all that mattered.

 

He sat in his rooms reflecting on recent events, when a strong hand caressed his cheek. “It killed me not to touch you in Imladris. Elrond will not separate us again. Welcome home, meleth.”

 

Erestor looked up and smiled at his lover. “I made Elrond hate having me around so he would get rid of me willingly, but I had a little help from a source unknown, and he hated me all the more. I fear he will never accept me back in Imladris.”

 

The blond bent down and caught Erestor’s lips, “Meleth, It is over now. If he wants his library sorted he can do it himself.”

 

“Was your visit to see Elrond or to rescue me?” Erestor put his arms around his lover’s neck and was raised up in his arms.

 

“You had been there long enough. I visited to take back what is mine,” Thranduil kissed his lover. “I adore you. I have you as mine for all time and will have you forever.”

 

 

 


End file.
